How do we show we Love them?

We don’t share physical affection much in my home, but writing notes of encouragement is one way my mom has let me know over the years that she loves me. She doesn’t do it often and they are never anything long. Just a short note left on my pillow reminding me how wonderful I am or thanking me for helping her out in some way. I don’t know that she knows how much it has meant to me. Or if she knows that I have kept every single one. This parenting segment has been one of my favorite topics so far. Thinking on my near to perfect parents has helped me come to love and respect them more. And I want to learn all that I can so I can be a positive influence on my kids, like they have been to me.

Councils in the Home

Why is making a decision together important? Elder Ballard gives three reasons: 1. If there is no involvement, there is no commitment. 2. There is no blame whether the results are good or bad. 3. It is easier for others to support that decision. My parents were really good about gathering all of us kids together for family councils on Sunday evenings. They were sure to involve us in decisions and I knew it was a time that I could bring up any issue freely. Believe it or not this tradition is actually one of my happiest memories of growing up. That and family prayer at night were the times that we really bonded as a family. We joke that family council takes three hours :). I don’t know that it is quite that long. But we do get off topic often and just start to joke around. That it always takes longer than it needs to be. I don’t care so much about the “wasted minutes” because they aren’t wasted to me.

Coping with Crises

One of my favorite quotes is from Randy Pausch's book, The Last Lecture. He says, "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand". This applies to life in so many ways, and especially to our discussion topic of family crises and stressors this week. My interpretation: We are in control of how we react to what life throws us. Brother Williams believes that how we respond to a situation defines it. I agree with him. He also gave five categories of how we felt afterwards based on our reaction. They are: "That stunk", "we managed", "it's okay now", "we are better off", and "thank you". The biggest stressor event I've faced happened this summer with my nephew passing away. My family could have grown bitter. We could have grown cold. We could have grown away from eachother. But we didn’t. I am inspired by how my brother and his wife did react. They turned to the Lord with humble hearts, which invited the rest of us to do the same. This crisis which could have very easily been a "that stunk" has turned into a "thank you" for me.

Water Your Grass

Each day I become more surprised at how many topics must be discussed from the very beginning of or even before a marriage. We spent a whole class talking about making clear, firm boundaries around a marriage and discussing a couple of rules that would help prevent infidelity: not being alone with a guy in a car, having a joint facebook account, etc. I never realized how prevalent these issues are. It seems so easy to fall to temptation after all the stories told in class.

Infidelity starts slowly like with everything else in life. It may just be a thought like “oh, I wish my husband would clean the garage as well as ted”. Your spouse cannot be compared like that. It isn’t fair to them and starts you off in a path of infidelity. "The grass is greener…on the side of the fence you water." You have to make sure you spend your times and efforts on tour spouse not on someone else. When we do this your marriage will be more fulfilling. Affairs can be prevented by making boundaries then sticking to them.

How to Stop the Crying Child from Crying

In a newly married family, it is crucial to establish foundations of roles, money, time, expectations, etc. Because how you do things at stage one sets the pattern for your lifelong marriage. One thing that must be discussed is how to deal with conflict/disagreements. We read Doctrine and Covenants 121:41-45 in class as a guide to having a happy home. Verse 43, “reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon the Holy Ghost” was talked about in a way I had never thought of before. We must correct seasonally or at the right time (betimes), with precision (sharpness), and of course only when moved upon by the spirit. Anger for the majority of time is the driving force of correction. The spirit isn’t with us if we’re angry. Just think of how many crying children, broken families, lost friendships, and inactive members would disappear if we were to follow the Lord’s counsel.

“When is the last time you kneeled down to pray before criticizing someone?” -- Brother Williams

Dating to Marriage

Sister Dalton came to speak to us for devotional last week. Of every topic in the world to talk about, she chose to speak about dating. She really emphasized that dating and hanging out are not the same thing. And we must date.

We talked in class today about how dating is a preparation for marriage. Not just that it helps us choose our spouse, it prepares men to be good husbands and fathers. The three roles of a husband are to provide, preside, and protect. While the three aspects of a date are planned, paid for, and paired off. Each one of these correlates with another. Being paired up prepares a guy to be the protector. He of course is to make sure no harm comes to her, but also as a priesthood holder it is his duty to make sure things stay appropriate. The relationship between paid for and provide is pretty self-explanatory. He is to pay for the date and also in the future hold a job to earn a living for his family. The man is also supposed to take the initiative to ask the girl out and plan the date. As a father, it is his role to preside at Family Home Evenings and family councils.

No wonder Sister Dalton decided this was the most important thing to talk about. Dating is critical for making good husbands and fathers out of boys.

What Do You Think?

Women ask more questions than men? Women have a more questioning tone to their statements? Women use more tag questions? Women are more likely to begin with a question? Women use more qualifiers?

I believe it. But why is it?

Are women less confident than men? Do they want to seem more agreeable, so they ask questions to figure out the other’s opinion? Is it because they want to start a conversation? Or do we just like to talk, so we ask unnecessary questions to spit out more words?

The book states that “women do much of the work in starting and maintaining conversations.” We do this because we value interaction and communication. I guess questioning is just one easy way of keeping a conversation going.

Changes in the Family Structure

This week we read an article on Immigrants from Mexico. Its main focus was to talk about why these families come to the United States and how it affects their family structure. I could not believe the negative effects immigration could have. These families come to the U.S. for better education and job opportunities, basically to enhance their lifestyle. Many families even split up because it is so important to them. In many families, the father will go to America by himself, find a job, then send the family money until they have earned enough to bring the rest of the family. The problem is that this process often takes years. One teenager said his family was split up for six years. But the real sad part is that when the family is reunited, the parents likely divorce and the children won’t have a positive relationship with the father. During all that time apart, the rest of the family had to adjust the structure of the family without the father. He may feel out of place or unnecessary when he returns. And that is the end of their family together.

I believe there is a lesson to be learned from this sad, but true story. The family as a whole is important. These Mexican homes were destroyed because they focused more on increasing their social standing than keeping the family together. We must keep a righteous perspective and remember what is really important in life.

Family Systems Theory

I was really interested in our discussion in class today about Family Systems Theory. It states that in a family the whole is more important than the individuals. Missing or adding just one person changes the whole organization of the family. I really liked that idea. I thought about this theory in reference to my family and it helped me to realize the importance of each of my siblings and my parents. They each bring something unique that if removed would significantly change the structure of our family life.

Subsets, were also a new thing for me. There are hundreds of small groupings/relationships within the family. These are things like: marriage, parent, sibling, gender, interests, abilities, etc. My brothers are twins, so they have a subset of that. My sisters, and I all hate seafood. My siblings Andrew, Amy, Aaron, and my mom all have names that start with the letter "A". The five oldest siblings don't live at home. We used to call my four youngest brothers "the little boys"... It's all so interesting! I'm glad to have figured out that I have a special connection with each of family members. We all have our own subsets with eachother.

Extended Family Disappearing?

There was a section in the book on the relations of an extended family. It said that having relationships with your extended family isn’t common anymore. We’ve "lost" the extended family. I had a discussion with my roommate about it and have come to the conclusion that this may be true for the world but not for members of the church. Those without the gospel in their lives tend to break off relationships with their families due to conflict and then grudges. But to those in the church, family is everything. We do what it takes to stick together. We know about repentance and forgiveness. My family is important to me. I look forward to every get together and these turn out to be some of my favorite memories. I believe extended family is just as alive as ever before. At least for me it is.



This is a picture of my extended family on my mom's side at our annual camping trip.

Emotional Loneliness

Everyone is aware of social loneliness. We see lots of people who don’t have enough social interaction. So it was fascinating to learn that there is such a thing as emotional loneliness, which is even more wide spread. In fact, in the textbook it says the majority of people face this loneliness at some point in their life. Emotional loneliness is having fewer intimate relationships than you desire. I think I’ve struggled all my life especially in high school with this. I was always in a large group of friends at school. I knew lots of people and they knew me. But for some reason I wasn’t happy. I didn’t feel comfortable around any of them. I think that is why all I wanted to do during those years was to stay home with my family. I didn’t feel so alone in my family because that is where I had intimate relationships. It is nice to have pinpointed the reason for my unhappiness so I can know how to fix it. I know now that I need more intimate relationships in my life and I can try harder to form those.

Family Relations

I'm starting this blog for my Family Relations Class. Here is where I will write any insights, questions, or opinions on what we learn in class. I hope you will all enjoy!